The end of a journey

And what a journey this one has been. Today's Dr appointment obviously didn't go as hoped, but honestly it went as I expected... (maybe I've grown accustomed to expecting the worst just in case... even though in other aspects of my life I'm usually a glass half full kinda gall) It appears as the baby stopped forming 3 weeks ago, about a week after surgery at about 6 1/2 weeks. There had been no change in size since last week and it looks as though the sac is starting to collapse. Which at this point is a good thing to see to know my body is starting to realize what is going on. I'm still not bleeding or cramping and am still very gaggy... which gave me a little hope for today, but for some reason I just didn't feel good about what I would hear. Dr R said the pregnancy symptoms could last until the placental tissue breaks off. So at this point, I'm just waiting to miscarry. I would be 10 weeks on Friday and my body still hasn't kicked into gear. What they call a "missed miscarriage." He drew HCG levels to make sure my numbers are falling on my own and will draw some more blood on Monday. I'm supposed to call him sometime next week to give him an update and he said if nothing happens in the next 2 weeks I will come back in to scan again and revise our plan. He is very comfortable with "doing nothing" at this point. He knows and agrees with my hope to avoid a D&C to not bother my cervix at all. My prayer now is for an easy and quick miscarriage and that my body is able to do everything on it's own to avoid any intervention. Really, I need a break from interventions!!

Every visit brings up something "new" that he sees. Today's was a cyst on my left ovary. The one inside on my left ovary has resolved, now I have one on the outside. I've begun to realize the left side of my body is faulty. Can I get a new one, please? I'd like to just not have any more ultrasounds for a while so we can just not find these things! :) I've very convinced that the left flank pain that I have had come and go ever since I was in college has to be from these cysts that are forming, just never knew what was going on. Every time I'd go to my regular dr complaining of the flank pain they were looking at my kidney (to see if I had a stone) and not finding anything... because we were looking in the wrong place!

So, yes, there is some disappointment obviously. Loss of a dream. That goes along with any miscarriage. I have a much better outlook this time around. Maybe because we've been through worse, maybe because I've got 2 beautiful kiddos that have each other this time around (last time I was so afraid we would never have another and Kaid would be alone). Or maybe because I know this baby did not come and go without purpose. This little one was here to save it's momma's life. If I had not gotten such an early ultrasound my tube could have burst. My life could have been in danger and we may not have caught it in time. God and this little one knew Kaid and Kason still needed their mommy.

I've been trying to look at the positives of all this. I really wasn't prepared for this pregnancy to happen this quickly and to have the possibility of bedrest be so soon. And actually a few days after surgery while I was laying in bed most of the day, I started having a panic "I can't do this again right now" moment. You block the bad things out of your mind so much but it doesn't take much to remember how bad it really was!

We will be getting a new boss at work soon and my fear was her coming into the position to me not being there. She wouldn't know me, wouldn't know what a good worker I am, what a passion I have for taking care of my moms and babies. And wouldn't care so much about holding onto my position while I have to be gone. (even though I talked with my current boss and she calmed my fears on this... it's still always in the back of my mind). Also, we can now go to Myrtle Beach in September with my parents and bro and sis in law! I can go to 2 good friends weddings and showers! We can go on our annual camping trip with Randy's family! And although this sounds silly, Black Friday shopping anyone? All of this we would have missed and of course would have been willing to sacrifice it for the baby, but we do have a lot to look forward to this fall. Not to mention one thing I have missed this past 9 weeks... picking up Kason. Which was the first thing I did when I walked in the house today. I can play with my kids, I can clean my house, I can sweep my floors, I can get our house ready to put on the market. I can potty train my son before we even THINK of trying this all again. All little things that "normal" pregnant women take for granted, but I just can't do while I'm pregnant.

So, thanks for all of your thoughts, your prayers, your concerns. We will be okay.