The end of a journey

And what a journey this one has been. Today's Dr appointment obviously didn't go as hoped, but honestly it went as I expected... (maybe I've grown accustomed to expecting the worst just in case... even though in other aspects of my life I'm usually a glass half full kinda gall) It appears as the baby stopped forming 3 weeks ago, about a week after surgery at about 6 1/2 weeks. There had been no change in size since last week and it looks as though the sac is starting to collapse. Which at this point is a good thing to see to know my body is starting to realize what is going on. I'm still not bleeding or cramping and am still very gaggy... which gave me a little hope for today, but for some reason I just didn't feel good about what I would hear. Dr R said the pregnancy symptoms could last until the placental tissue breaks off. So at this point, I'm just waiting to miscarry. I would be 10 weeks on Friday and my body still hasn't kicked into gear. What they call a "missed miscarriage." He drew HCG levels to make sure my numbers are falling on my own and will draw some more blood on Monday. I'm supposed to call him sometime next week to give him an update and he said if nothing happens in the next 2 weeks I will come back in to scan again and revise our plan. He is very comfortable with "doing nothing" at this point. He knows and agrees with my hope to avoid a D&C to not bother my cervix at all. My prayer now is for an easy and quick miscarriage and that my body is able to do everything on it's own to avoid any intervention. Really, I need a break from interventions!!

Every visit brings up something "new" that he sees. Today's was a cyst on my left ovary. The one inside on my left ovary has resolved, now I have one on the outside. I've begun to realize the left side of my body is faulty. Can I get a new one, please? I'd like to just not have any more ultrasounds for a while so we can just not find these things! :) I've very convinced that the left flank pain that I have had come and go ever since I was in college has to be from these cysts that are forming, just never knew what was going on. Every time I'd go to my regular dr complaining of the flank pain they were looking at my kidney (to see if I had a stone) and not finding anything... because we were looking in the wrong place!

So, yes, there is some disappointment obviously. Loss of a dream. That goes along with any miscarriage. I have a much better outlook this time around. Maybe because we've been through worse, maybe because I've got 2 beautiful kiddos that have each other this time around (last time I was so afraid we would never have another and Kaid would be alone). Or maybe because I know this baby did not come and go without purpose. This little one was here to save it's momma's life. If I had not gotten such an early ultrasound my tube could have burst. My life could have been in danger and we may not have caught it in time. God and this little one knew Kaid and Kason still needed their mommy.

I've been trying to look at the positives of all this. I really wasn't prepared for this pregnancy to happen this quickly and to have the possibility of bedrest be so soon. And actually a few days after surgery while I was laying in bed most of the day, I started having a panic "I can't do this again right now" moment. You block the bad things out of your mind so much but it doesn't take much to remember how bad it really was!

We will be getting a new boss at work soon and my fear was her coming into the position to me not being there. She wouldn't know me, wouldn't know what a good worker I am, what a passion I have for taking care of my moms and babies. And wouldn't care so much about holding onto my position while I have to be gone. (even though I talked with my current boss and she calmed my fears on this... it's still always in the back of my mind). Also, we can now go to Myrtle Beach in September with my parents and bro and sis in law! I can go to 2 good friends weddings and showers! We can go on our annual camping trip with Randy's family! And although this sounds silly, Black Friday shopping anyone? All of this we would have missed and of course would have been willing to sacrifice it for the baby, but we do have a lot to look forward to this fall. Not to mention one thing I have missed this past 9 weeks... picking up Kason. Which was the first thing I did when I walked in the house today. I can play with my kids, I can clean my house, I can sweep my floors, I can get our house ready to put on the market. I can potty train my son before we even THINK of trying this all again. All little things that "normal" pregnant women take for granted, but I just can't do while I'm pregnant.

So, thanks for all of your thoughts, your prayers, your concerns. We will be okay.

Week 9

I wasn't going to post a week 9 because chances of things still forming aren't good... but who knows.  I'm still gaggy, my left ear is still clogging up like it always does when I'm pregnant, I'm still very dizzy if I stand up to quickly, no spotting, no cramping.  I still FEEL pregnant... maybe because my levels were so high this time around, it may just take a while for the symptoms to go away, or because things are still forming... we won't know until Wednesday.   (I've usually heard that as soon as the pregnancy isn't progressing anymore the symptoms go away almost instantly)  Thanks for the continued prayers... hopefully the little one was just in a strange position that made it harder to see things...  I know we will be okay no matter what happens.  Like I've said before, Kason has shown us that.  If we hadn't gone through all we did in 07, he wouldn't be here and I can't imagine life without him.  I just hope having only one tube left doesn't give us fertility issues on top of everything if we decide to try again if this pregnancy doesn't work out.

"Your baby now is about the size of a medium green olive. The crow-to-rump length is 22 to 30 mm and the baby weighs 0.12 ounces. Although your body shape will not yet reveal that you are pregnant, your doctor would be able to notice an enlarged uterus. The hCG hormone is at its peak and you might notice more changes. Your skin may become smoother and a bit plumper, but you might also get an outbreak of pimples. Your hair may become less oily, or more. You might also notice some vaginal discharge, which is usually not a cause for concern.
Although the baby is still very small, it is beginning to look more like a human being. Your baby's back is straightening out and the tail is shrinking. In proportion to the rest of his body, the head is large and remains curved forwards onto the chest. The head is erect and the neck is developing well. Even though your baby's eyes are well developed, they are covered by a membrane lid. The eyes will not begin to open and close for quite some time still. Your baby will begin to make tiny movements as the muscles start to develop. You will not be able to feel any of these early movements, but you might be able to see them during an ultrasound. The arms and hands are progressing faster than the legs and feet at this point. By this time of your baby's development, the hands have defined finger ridges and the tissue between them will die off to leave separate fingers. It is impossible to distinguish a male from a female at this time because external genitalia look very similar at this point. "

Field trip day!

This past Wednesday mom, dad, and Avery made the trip here so dad could go to a meeting not far from us. Mimi and Avery got to stay and play for the day. Jody had said one day that she would love to take Avery to see where Uncle Randy works to see the airplanes... so that's just what we did.

Up in the torn apart airplane looking out the windows. Avery wanted to know when we were leaving. :)

Daddy put Kason up in the storage bins...

NOT impressed!

Sittin in the refurbished seats...

The three 145 lines back in the corner

Randy's 170 Airplane that we got to go in

Showing Kason the inside of a 145 (Randy used to be supervisor for these airplanes and about a year or so ago, switched to the 170's for a new challenge)

Avery was so excited to get to see Uncle Randy's work for the first time - since their trip to St. Croix she loves airplanes!

"Showing" the kids how the tire comes down for landing. They look like they are taking it all in!

Ever wonder what the inside of the nose of an airplane says... Handle with care!

Going up to the top to see the tail of the plane

See them way up there!

There they are!

The view from the tail dock

Yep, that the tail of the plane - wow they are high!

The new pilot - Miss Kaid

Uncle Randy opened up the window for them to peek out of... hope the real pilot doesn't do that when he's flying!

Then we went to daddy's office for a little while. Kason learning how to do the paperwork.

"I did it!!" Kason was excited when he made daddy's stamp work!

I think the kids had fun going to see the airplanes. Our kids have been there many times, but still every time it's like they've never seen an airplane before! They love going to visit daddy at work and I think Miss A had a blast going to see where Uncle Randy worked too!

still the waiting game.

I was hoping to have better news today, but looks as though we are still in limbo.

We saw the sac and baby on the ultrasound, but the sac wasn't as big as it should be and we didn't see a heartbeat, which we really should be seeing by now. So, Dr R is not hopeful. I told him I didn't want to do a D&C at all, I don't want to mess with my cervix any more than I have to and he thought that was very understandable. So, I have chosen to wait and see what happens. He is going to re-scan in another week and see if there are any changes.

I think our only hope now is that I'm just a week behind where I should be by dates or that it's just a slow starter... which I guess, at that first ultrasound when we should have been seeing the sac - we didn't, but a day later it showed up. I do have a tilted uterus, so maybe it's harder to see in the beginning? I'm just tired of being in the unknown. I'm still very gaggy, so I'm hoping if the baby isn't growing anymore that that goes away soon. Not fun when you are pregnant, even more not fun if you know it's not for a good reason!

One bit of "good" news is that the blood that was in my uterus 2 weeks ago on my scan is gone. So seems all is on it's way to healing from the surgery. Also, he told me to stop the Lovenox because if I do miscarry he doesn't want me bleeding and bleeding from being on a blood thinner. So yay, no more shots for now.

Thanks for all the prayers, keep them coming. Either for a quick and easy miscarriage or for the baby to just be a bit behind... What a crazy 3 weeks it has been. I'm ready to have some answers.

Week 8

Today should mark the first day of week 8. Still trusting all is forming as it should and I am anxiously waiting for Wednesday to get here so we can know for sure if the baby made it through everything so far.

Last week I finally told Kaidrie what was going on. She's just so grown up! I knew she had heard so many bits and pieces of the story while I was talking to people on the phone that I knew she had to be so confused and worried about what was going on. She understands and still remembers in her own way how she had a baby sister who went to heaven (she was only 2 1/2 at the time, but was already so mature at that age also) so we really have to pray that this baby keeps growing and stays in mommy's belly long enough. She is such a helper and knows mommy has limitations to things now... So if Kason won't get in his carseat, won't come over to let me change his diaper etc... she helps out so mommy doesn't have to lift him. I don't even have to ask her, she just jumps in and does it. She's such a good girl. I didn't want to tell her for a while yet so she didn't get hurt if something happens to the baby, but I she is grown up enough I knew she deserved to know what was going on.

Kason, on the other hand. Has no clue. lol He just makes me smile. Goofy little boy. He just knows that mommy has ouchies on her belly and knows I can't pick him up because of the "ouchies." My hopes were to have him on his way to being potty trained by my cerclage placement at the end of August. I'm realizing that is not going to happen! I think physically his body is almost ready... he can hold it for 2-3 hours, but still after many many times of peeing on the floor has NO CLUE when he has to pee. He has only peed in the potty 2 times... the rest have ended up in the grass or on my floor. He LOVES wearing his big boy undies and does a good job at keeping them dry for a time... then all of a sudden I am running him to the potty while he is peeing the whole way. So, it looks like we may have 2 in diapers at the same time if all goes well with the baby. I was really hoping to have him trained before that... oh well.

"By the end of your second month of pregnancy, your baby is about the size of a pinto bean and is approximately 14 to 20 mm long. Before you were pregnant, your uterus was about the size of your fist. However, by 6 weeks of pregnancy, your uterus has grown to the size of a grapefruit! Your baby is developing at an amazing rate during these early weeks. Eyelid folds and ears are forming. Your baby's eyes are still very wide apart on the sides of her head, but will eventually center themselves out. The tip of the nose is actually present at this time as well. On ultrasound you can see that the aortic and pulmonary valves of the heart are present. The tubes that lead from the throat to lungs are branching and your baby's torso is getting longer and beginning to straighten out. Just a few weeks ago, your baby's arms were tiny buds. Now the elbows are actually present and the arms and legs extend forward and have grown longer. Fingers and toes are becoming visible also.

The tiny person is protected by the amniotic sac, filled with fluid. Inside, the child swims and moves gracefully. The arms and legs have lengthened, and fingers can be seen. The toes will develop in the next few days. The umbilical cord contains 3 blood vessels which link your baby's system to yours. The big one supplies your baby with blood which is rich in oxygen. The two smaller blood vessels return blood to the placenta. This blood is low in oxygen, and full of waste materials. At birth, umbilical cord can be two to four feet long."

Remember the foot picture from 7 weeks? This is the foot at around 8 weeks. Amazing!

Please keep praying for this little one. And keep us in your thoughts on Wednesday the 21st around 9:30. That's when we will find out for sure what is going on with the little one! 5 more days...

A day filled with sunshine!

Sunday we decided to load up the car and head back to mimi and pops for a fun pool day! What a blast we had. Other than to eat and play with the kitties a little, I don't think Kaidrie got out of the pool at all!

Mimi found the greatest pool float. It was a huge hit - all three kids can be on it at the same time and not fight over it! Who could ask for anything more?

Then we had an unexpected visitor... A little frog swimming in the pool! The poor guy was probably wishing he had never jumped in that pool... and I think the kids were thinking the same thing! I think Kason screamed the loudest when daddy put it near him... little wussy!

"Kason, do you like the frog" "Uhhhhh uhhhh" (how do you spell that? It was a big NO)

I got to see the baby kitties for the first time and my are they cute! I just love kittens!

Little Callie

And ornery little Scotch-a-roo trying to stay out of the sunshine!

I have never seen a butterfly as friendly as this little guy was! It landed on me I bet 7 or 8 times - I think he liked the salty of the sweet corn leftover on my hands!

All worn out!

Kaidrie really fell asleep!

Jody and miss Avery. This little girl is quite the swimmer! And VERY confident in her abilities! She would go jump in the deep end onto the raft with no floaties on - brave little thing!

Mommy joins her kiddies and hubby on the sunshine raft

Oh so sweet! I love how they play together (most of the time). Kaid is so good with him and would just take him out and carry him all over the pool. He loves his big sis!

The pool crew (and Mimi's professional photography ladder in the background :))

These fish were so cool. They swam in the pool all day long!

"1 - 2 - go!"

And my little man makes a slam dunk!

Oh what a fun day and how beautiful! I'm so glad I talked Randy into making the trip for the day! There really is nothing more relaxing than spending the day in mom and dad's back yard. Top it off with a trip to Pizza Parlor and it makes for a perfect day! (And on a great note - this baby doesn't seem to mind Pizza Parlor like Kason did! Yay! At least for now I can still enjoy my favorite pizza!)